Right.
Candice don't like me no more. Don't even know why
but that's cool cos I'm just going to replace that with Ola.
I'm trying to get my life together.
I'm going to change boyfriend. That's going to take time.
That's OK, but it will look something like that.
- _ - But, look,
I can't be with no guy that ain't kept a job
for more than a week in his life, so this one,
he's going to be smart, yeah?
He's going to have his own place,
drive a car like, whoa, a businessman, you know I mean?
He's a tiger but can also be gentle.
Like Drake. Home.
Basically sorted. I'm here, going to surprise my mum.
She is going to be bare haps and then I'm going to sleep in my bed.
♪ Life ain't so great ♪ ♪ Yeah, there'll be dots in the mud ♪
♪ And life ain't Hollywood for any one of us ♪
♪ If ever you're in doubt, just get your wings out ♪
♪ It's all right, darling, get your wriggle on ♪
♪ Somewhere else. ♪
So what's the problem?
I just need you to enter the kitchen, please.
We have mice again.
If you leave food all over the place as gifts for rodents,
don't complain when they...
Where were you?
All I want to know is where were you?
Worshipping in Israel, I told you.
Who with?
- Jesus. - Where in Israel?
- Where Jesus grew up, Mum. - Where was that?
Palestine.
When I was a child,
my mother would always know when I was lying.
- Yes, well, Mummy, I'm not like that. - Ah-ah!
Mother.
What happened to the white boy?
This is the same Caucasian man whose face Tracey sat on.
So you don't have the koala, so how is this working, please?
She's right, you don't have the koala.
Tracey, this boy...
We're hardly even friends.
So if you've still been on the straight and narrow...
- Yes. - ... you can prove yourself
by committing to the Church of Joy Ministry.
I've taken over the community hall full-time
and I'm going to take it worldwide.
I even have flyers.
I'm giving you 1,000.
Return to me with none.
And that's it? Then I can move back home?
You can also heal a sick person, speak in tongues,
by the power of the Holy Spirit.
They are things that only the anointed can achieve.
If you succeed,
it will be my proof that you are telling the truth
about your time away. And upon completion,
move back home and restore peace upon this household.
Really great work, Joy.
Mum... Mum.
Now, go.
All right, look, I hear words, yeah.
I hear commands. I see strings.
Mum says hand out some flyers, 1,000.
Cool, that's a string.
Mum says speak in tongues... that's a string.
Mum says heal the sick... string.
Do you know what I do with them strings?
Pull them. Like a farmer
milking the five penises of a cow,
I pull them things and things just happen.
It's gonna be fine, guys, gonna move back home,
gonna take my bin bag, gonna unpack it. Ola, flyer.
Hey, hey... nice piercings.
Got that for fashion, yeah? Jesus got his piercings
while he was busy dying for you. Don't you feel bad?!
- Fuck off. - Cool.
How many have I shifted now, please?
You gave me one three hours ago, so one.
Cool. Cool.
- Cool. - Oh, Connor!
Yas!
Tracey.
- You all right? - You all right?
Oh, right. Yeah?
- I've never done that before. - That's...
- PHONE BEEPS - Oh.
Emma.
Better go. See you later.
Hey, Mr Keys.
HE MUMBLES
- Fucking renegade Honda Civic. - Yes, yes, Honda Civic!
Mercedes-Benz, mm-hmm, Nissan Micra.
You're homeless and so happy about it.
I beg you, Keys, Keys, Keys, I beg you, take the flyer.
MUSIC: Tambourine by Eve
- Jesus loves you. - Damn.
- Only Jesus? - I don't know,
- maybe your friends and family love you too. - It was just a joke, I was, erm...
- I was joking by way of flirting. - Ugh, hetero.
Anyway, back to the flyer, yes. Soul needs saving.
Want to take some for your friends?
As long as that's not all I'm taking from you.
- What? - He wants your number.
I'm Ash, by the way.
- You're very handsome. - Oh, thank you.
Don't say thank you. It's not good, it's not bad, I'm just saying.
- Have you got a job? - Yeah.
- Have you had it for more than one week? - Three years.
- Do you live with your mum? - No,
I'm proud to say that I own my own penthouse apartment.
Are you dumb or are you smart?
- That's a subjective question. - Did you finish year 11?
- I've got a degree in finance. - Cool, drop call my phone.
Drop call my phone.
0770... 0... 900...
305.
I'm doing it.
That was easy.
Connor replaced me,
I'll replace him.
- PHONE RINGS - String.
End the call. Why you still calling the phone?
It's a drop call. Drop call. End the call, man.
Thanks.
Flyers. For your friends,
your friends and your family.
SHE RAPS: Handing out all my flyers,
replace my boyfriend, handing out all my flyers,
replace my boyfriend.
She's not here, sorry.
I don't mind.
From previous experience of the situation,
you say something like,
"OK, I'll ring her," or, "Fucking bitch,
she made me leave the house for fuck all, fuck it!"
Do you want to go shops?
- Yeah. - Cool.
- Let's go then, innit. - Why?
- I want to get sweets. - But why with... ?
Look, what's the problem?
Have I not known you since you were, like, born?
- We're friends, innit? - Are we?
I don't have any, so I don't...
Do you know what? I get the message, yeah?
- Hope you're good, yeah? - It's just that I don't
- feel comfortable leaving the estate. - All right, well,
I'll come back for you in a bit, yeah,
we can go to mine and just chill or something.
All right?
OK.
Cool.
Argh!
And now I just need to develop feelings for...
- what's his name? - Ash!
- Ash. - Ash.
Then I'm gonna walk past Connor with my new boyfriend.
PHONE BEEPS
"Your skin is so smooth
I want to devour it.
Wink. xx"
Argh!
Now, how do I heal a sick person
so that my mum will let me move back home
without God on my side?
Because I really don't think he's on my side with this.
It's very hard to heal someone without, you know...
- Spiritual powers? - The NHS.
- Done. - Hey, yas, yas!
Ola, hey!
Give it to them, give it to them, give it to them!
Ola, my mum doesn't know you very well, does she?
- I suppose not. - So I'm thinking,
what if you pretend you're sick,
walk on the square, I pray for you,
bish-bash-bosh, you're healed, I'm home, amen?
- OK. - Really?
That's what friends are for.
You are much better than Candice.
- And more beautiful, I know. - You are.
What is the problem between the two of you?
I don't know.
Sometimes we just don't talk.
It's been like that since we were babies.
I'm not talking to you.
I'm not talking to you either.
You're talking right now, you dumb bitch!
I want Tracey.
Well, I'm happy being a replacement for Candice.
I know once all your mess is sorted,
we'll go back to old times
when we don't know anything about each other. I know.
Let me do your plaits so you look nice for Ash.
OK.
MUSIC: Get Ur Freak On by Missy Elliott
What you playing at?
Tracey don't come round, so you drag her sister round instead?
I didn't drag her, I took her.
You can't just replace one sibling by another.
She's my friend too, Nan.
You OK there, love?
Didn't have to take your shoes off, you know?
I don't know how it works in other people's houses.
I'm like that too... nervous in new places.
I'm generally always nervous.
Oh, that's not good, is it?
We'll soon change that.
I don't want to change it, it keeps me safe.
So we just sit here?
Yeah, chat, bounce, innit?
Chat, bounce. Hmm.
May I ask to what end?
We just chat, bruv.
So there's no structure, no intention?
You just open your mouth until you discover you have something to say?
Cynthia, just chill, man.
- I can't. - Of course you can.
Go on, go on.
OK, well,
I was reading Church Weekly the other day
and there was an article about how the media
has failed the church and I completely agree.
Very few people know how to have a good discussion about God
without being met with, "Oh, that's stupid."
It's so funny, you know.
God is everywhere.
There have been leaps and bounds in quantum physics
that showed us the world is not what it seems,
but then again I've always found that people that try to use
quantum physics in theological arguments
generally don't know much about it.
I'm certainly no expert at that stuff either, so...
JAZZ PIANO
- Thank you. - Pleasure.
I fucking love jazz.
Yeah, yeah, it's all right.
I never really bother with this kind of thing but it's cool, yeah.
- Do you sing? - No,
no. Do you?
Well, no, of course I don't.
- I like Beyonce. - Urgh...
So where are you from?
- London. - No, no, where are you from-from?
- Oh, Tower Hamlets. - No, where did you COME from?
Um, Royal London Hospital, Whitechapel.
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah, of course, that's what people do when conversing.
See, I like this guy, man, because he's intelligent, you know.
My man could have just said chatting but, no,
he said conversating.
- Hit me. - What do you want?
Like, I'm all right, I like my face and that,
but you're slightly on a different level, you know.
- You're a bit magaziney. - Oh, come on.
This face, these features, it's like...
It's like you've been kissed by God.
- Connor... That's my... - Your ex
- I definitely know that by now. - Yeah, well,
he used to say I was beautiful but I never believed him
because he's dumb. But you're smart so, yeah,
I'm going to take that.
Sometimes I have quite a bad opinion of my appearance,
- also because my ex-friend... - Candice.
Yeah, yeah. OK.
She used to say I was more like a Jay-Z than a Beyonce,
- and she was my friend. - Yeah, but come on, she's just jealous.
And I've not an iota of interest in Beyonce.
OK, we are going to have to take Beyonce
- off the conversating menu if that's OK. - Mm.
What, what?
It's like, chemistry.
- It's happening now, can you feel that? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
I think we should probably just kiss, don't you?
OK.
Oh!
Oh, my God.
Oh, your tits are so gorgeous.
Oh, they're so black.
Um... I don't know...
Fucking gorgeous. Fucking gorgeous.
You want this white dick, you naughty little black bitch?
You want this white cock on your black tongue? Yeah.
- Yeah? You've been bad, little ni... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What, what have I done? Have I... ?
What?
- You said some stuff. - What?
- You don't know? - No. No, I was just...
I was just excited. Sorry, what exactly did I say?
I'm going to see what time my bus is coming.
No, Tracey!
I thought we really had something here.
OK, basically this is my first black-girl experience.
I do not know what I said
- but I wasn't in control of it. - Well, maybe
you should keep your mouth closed
in case something dodgy comes out again.
How are you going to look that deep in my mouth
and breasts and tell me "black"?
Look at my mouth, does my mouth look black?
Look, there's actually nothing black in my mouth.
Look, pink, yellow, brown.
What's wrong with this guy, man?!
MUSIC: Candy Shop by 50 Cent
- Talk to Tracey, Candice. - What for?
I've got nothing to say to her.
If you want to shout at her, shout.
- If you want to hit her, smack her... - Enough, Nan.
Holding all this in
- is not doing nothing for no-one. - I don't care about Tracey.
When you were six years old,
you gave half your birthday presents to Tracey.
And you said, all profound at six years old...
- I said that ugly girls need presents more. - Yes,
yes, but you said something else.
You said, "Me and Tracy are part of each other, Nan."
So it's her birthday, too.
Go and speak to her.
Oh, get over it, Nan. I've moved on.
♪ I praise you, Lord ♪ ♪ Oh, King of Kings ♪
♪ I praise you Lord ♪ ♪ Oh, King of Kings ♪
♪ And since his power we'll also bow down ♪
♪ To praise the Lord ♪ ♪ Oh, King of Kings... ♪
Nice to see her a real part of the family again, isn't it?
♪ I praise you, Lord ♪ ♪ Oh, King of Kings ♪
- ♪ Oh, King of... ♪ - Hey, yo!
Preacher.
I need healing.
Well, my dear, welcome to the holy house of healing.
I'm tired of living my life this way.
Ooh, Mum,
I... I would like to pray for this man.
I mean, I don't know, something in me just wants to...
Look at the pain you're in.
In Jesus' name, I pray that your limp
stops limping, yeah, and from now on,
you ain't gonna have no more problems.
- Amen. - Amen.
Oh, shit!
- Ain't got no limp no more. - Mum, look!
Look! I don't have to look.
Shit, I never thought I'd walk no more, damn.
I can feel God's power radiating all over the square.
My Tracey, my God.
Mum, what are you saying, what are you saying, I mean,
should I just move back now?
Well, well, why not?
I'm just so happy.
I'm just so happy that I can dance.
Just so happy that I can dance.
Just so happy that I can dance. Dance, dance.
OK, yeah, I give up, I give up.
Thank you so much for the opportunity.
"Hey Ash u r so right my boobies r black"
"can I @ yours?"
She puts her hands on him...
and he starts crying and shaking.
SHE LAUGHS
- I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead. - Stop laughing.
He goes to walk all...
No, seriously, can you not laugh that loudly,
it's an indication of poor listening skills.
All right, Tracey, fucking hell.
It's your go.
You... You called me Tracey?
If I did, it was, I don't know, slip of the tongue.
Which I completely understand,
but it could have been anyone's name.
Could have been...
Esther's, or Kristy's, or Carly's,
but it was Tracey, everything Tracey.
- You're her sister. - It's the only reason why I'm here.
- You're a user, you user. - All right, I'm sorry.
Yes, vindication.
Finally, you two have as little as I do.
I'll be busy playing Ludo online
with dedicated civilians across the world
and Connor will be busy with his head
trapped under the vagina of his new girlfriend.
What, Connor's got a new girlfriend?
Is Tracey all right?
There she goes,
pretending to care about someone other than herself.
Shame, boy, you brake so late,
slip, trip, bust up your lip.
How's that for chat bounce?
I fucking love you.
Thank you. How long can I stay here?
If you do this every day, you can stay as long as you want.
You're comfortable, right?
Awoo mawa, awoo mawa
Get it a lot! Joo-joo-joo-joo!
- Daddy? Dad, Dad! - What's that?
- They're only really here weekends. - What?
Daddy.
Can you make sure they're ready at eight
and not in the shower? I have a meeting.
Oh, for goodness' sake, Ashley.
How old is this one?
17?
Dad, I'm trying to find a reason to respect you here, and...
I can't. Do I have to do weekends here?
Thank you.
You... You said...
Never been with a black girl before?
Glad to see that's still working for you, Ashley.
Can I just talk you through this outfit?
Those bangles, my dead grandmother's vintage.
And this special number was the bikini I wore on our honeymoon.
Start with the basics... do you have a name?
Do you know it?
It's Tracey.
Oh!
I see, the Peckham Princess downstairs is one of yours.
I am so sorry, have I disturbed you?
What was next, a threesome?
- What the f... ? - How did you know I was here?
Ola told me.
I just want to see if you're OK. I heard about Connor.
Yeah... I'm, I'm not... Look,
I'm in a bit of a situation at the moment.
Well, let me in, I'll help.
I'm embarrassed.
Babe, there ain't no such thing as embarrassing with us.
Well, you and me haven't been us in a while.
It's not the same, is it?
Right, five more, I just...
I wanted to find you to tell you that he don't deserve you, anyway.
You're amazing and you're buff
and you'll find someone loads better.
Yeah, yeah.
- I'll see you later. - I don't know who's at the door.
In front of the children, what's wrong with you?
Listen... Yeah.
The black thing, the black thing is not cool.
- It's positive discrimination. - Shut up, shut up.
Five minutes ago, you were telling me you want to destroy me.
You want to destroy me? Go and be in a remake of Roots, man.
Go and be in a remake... Oh, I'm seeing the light.
I'm seeing the light. I'm finding my flow,
I'm finding my flow, yeah, yeah,
I'm a wolf tonight. I'm Doctor Foster. Yes!
I am a campaigner for ethnic minority power.
I went to Kenya and the Gambia, for my gap year.
And I love jazz.
You...
You're the weirdest white boy I've ever met.
You are the... He's the weirdest,
you're the weirdest white boy I've ever met.
- It's weird. Weird. - That's...
- Would you like some wine with that, sir? - No, no, no! No!
Yes, black and white, just like
- you want. - OK.
- Awww! - There we go.
Huh? Judith, my best friend is not a Peckham Princess.
We're from Tower Hamlets, OK?
Yeah, yeah, and yeah, I fell for some stupid lie,
but at least I didn't pop two kids out for this fool.
And I'm not 17.
I'm a grown-up woman.
I just regularly make childlike mistakes.
I think I'm in love with you.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Shhh!
Judith.
Thank you.
I'm really tired, Mum.
I made a sham of everything.
Ola's my friend, got him to pretend, I know you probably guessed that.
And, um,
here's your flyers.
Look, Mummy,
it's too much, yeah, it's too much.
So, hey-ho, drop the tasks, never coming home, I accept that.
Ola said I could sleep in his bathtub.
I just don't want you to be angry at me any more.
Tracey, stop lying.
Tell the whole truth, not just the truth you want to tell.
I don't understand.
I knew you were never going to complete such miracles.
As for this, I can barely give ten flyers in this area,
never mind 1,000. All I want
is the truth about where you have been the past three months.
- Connor. - Connor.
Yeah, we lived together, in a hostel.
And I loved him.
That's all I needed. The truth.
Ah, Mummy.
Now, speak in tongues.
Er, what?
Take a leap of faith. Just let the words out.
That's all you have to do.
It doesn't matter how it sounds.
Yeah, but I thought now that...
Um...
Theato puntinana...
Honda civiculo...
Chevy pololo lo, lo, lo-lo-lo.
Good girl.
Shouldn't have kicked you out, man,
you would have never gone away.
- I'm supposed to have your back. - You do,
look at what you done today. If it wasn't for you...
Anyway, I love ya.
Do you want to go shops?
Don't do it, Tracey.
Yeah.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -